Funny story...3 years ago i told myself i'd try to move on, close doors to the past to allow me to look forward to a new future, a new love. Well joke was one me! 

i find myself on the verge of my 33rd Birthday and realize that i'm still in the same hamster wheel, vicious cycle that i was in those few years ago. As it turns out i am a creature of habit, and there's just one particular one that i cant seem to break. him..

the past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions, meeting new people that seemed great but ended in nothing, texting games, great connections to strangers that you'd never see again. so i find myself desiring all the things i had with him because it seems in this world we're living in i will not ever find them again. i really didn't think it would be this difficult but here i am...drowning in a world of thoughts of him, wishing and hoping that the past 3 years maybe have just been a lesson i needed to learn...although i dont think this Bday wish will come true either...

it seems that some of my best writing was done during the chapters of my life filled with him...so the other day i woke up and couldn't stop writing..so maybe since writing helped me fall in love with him more...hopefully writing will help set me free?

I long for the days i was madly in love with you

There was no distance or time that would of made me walk away

Now the imminent thought of you moving on 

Haunt me as much as the memories of you

Lately it's more than i can bare

My dreams are full of the possibilities of you

Will i one day run into you with her

Will one day my heart shatter at the knowledge your love no longer belongs to me

I cannot succumb to my selfish thoughts

Let my inability to move on cause you any further pain

After all i made the decisions that brought me where i am today

How can i expect anything other than life to take its course, bring you a new love that i could never provide

Because you, as cliche as it sounds put a spell on me

You build a home deep inside of me

So deep that my desire for you still shoots out of me and form stars

The desire to have what you gave me has completely taken control of me

So much so that i don't know i"ll ever be free from this OD

I just want to once again be free

Free for me

Free to dream of a new love

Free to believe that one day i'll look back at this and smile gratefully that you and i crossed paths

in an ocean of beauty and were left on a port of future possibilities  

if i could hypnotize you to not remember me...i would do it in a heart beat
only if only i could lay in your arms one more night without the heartache and questions in your brain
i would be that greedy just for one day..

your day to day routine can easily distract you. weeks may go by where you forget about the thing you were trying to forget. and then somehow you are reminded...a smell, a car, a song. Incredible how your mind then brings back all the things it had been doing such a good job of repressing. 

then the awkward moment that deals with nothing of the emotional part of a breakup...the things you owe, the objects to give back, the custody of friends and sometimes even the resentment on the person because they're life may just be getting better...while yours may be staying the same. the selfish parts are the hardest to deal with because you know that in the end you'd only want the best for them. just waiting on the day that none of these things matter and they'll just be a distant, beautiful memory in the previous chapters of your life.

indifference

my eyes are no longer acknowledged..maybe to prevent from falling back into the abyss of my soul
or is it to make sure i feel the sting of his indifference
either way it worked.

1 week

day one was reality check as it always is. the rest of the week was followed by unexpected events. the passing of an acquaintance, happy hour buddy was tough news to swallow. someone that you just spend time with joking around with now gone at such a young age. it made me want to call the people that i love and let them know how i feel. but i didnt call you because i knew it wouldnt be right...and life is just that, full of unexpected events. so i have to get used to not calling you every time something like this happens. Get used hoping that you are okay without wanting to ask.

yesterday was a you day...in my head all day and i think i did a great job of not calling or trying to let go. but still your thoughts invaded my day. i know this is just the beginning of a tough, long rode ahead. i just pray that i dont run into you in any place that may cause me to be weak. as much as i love you i wish you werent just 5 minutes away. for the first time i wish you were somewhere under the ocean, far from anything and anyone that may connect you to me.

people mourn the end of a relationship the way they mourn death

the saddest part is that its nowhere near as significant as death..

everything in your life stops beating...a piece of you does die momentarily

but eventually you move on...eventually you regain strength you work on your weakness and fortify your heart for the next battle.

for the most part people do no choose death...do not choose to walk out of your life forever. if most people had the choice we might live forever.

it's important to keep that in mind when "mourning" a break up.

yes we need time to come to terms with what is happening, to cry and feel sad for as long as you need but you should never give this breakup the power to change your life forever in a negative way. some people let it control them, dictate what they will no longer be a part of--fun, holidays, optimism...some people mourn relationship deaths when they should be celebrating

celebrating that they got out alive with a big chunk of them still intact and with time with the ability to love and be themselves again.

some people are easier to mourn than others...the a**hole, the jerk, the cheat...those you can hold on to that negativity to keep you away from the dark hole they were building around you.

others are more difficult to mourn...the good guy, the spoiler, the one who wrapped his big arms around you even from afar

but i wont mourn

because some things are worth remembering in a good light

the way you smelled, your big craddling arms...the way you'd wake me up in the morning for breakfast or the way you'd look at me before kissing me goodbye

some "deaths" teach you bitterness some "deaths" teach you reality

only in real death is there reason to mourn everything else is just a lesson

so i wont mourn i'll celebrate that you and i were ever you and i

i really wish this was a mean trick...and in the end...there is a happily ever after for you and me...