Mi Fantasia y my reality

2011-10-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

people mourn the end of a relationship the way they mourn death

the saddest part is that its nowhere near as significant as death..

everything in your life stops beating...a piece of you does die momentarily

but eventually you move on...eventually you regain strength you work on your weakness and fortify your heart for the next battle.

for the most part people do no choose death...do not choose to walk out of your life forever. if most people had the choice we might live forever.

it's important to keep that in mind when "mourning" a break up.

yes we need time to come to terms with what is happening, to cry and feel sad for as long as you need but you should never give this breakup the power to change your life forever in a negative way. some people let it control them, dictate what they will no longer be a part of--fun, holidays, optimism...some people mourn relationship deaths when they should be celebrating

celebrating that they got out alive with a big chunk of them still intact and with time with the ability to love and be themselves again.

some people are easier to mourn than others...the a**hole, the jerk, the cheat...those you can hold on to that negativity to keep you away from the dark hole they were building around you.

others are more difficult to mourn...the good guy, the spoiler, the one who wrapped his big arms around you even from afar

but i wont mourn

because some things are worth remembering in a good light

the way you smelled, your big craddling arms...the way you'd wake me up in the morning for breakfast or the way you'd look at me before kissing me goodbye

some "deaths" teach you bitterness some "deaths" teach you reality

only in real death is there reason to mourn everything else is just a lesson

so i wont mourn i'll celebrate that you and i were ever you and i

2011-10-03T09:15:00.001-07:00

i really wish this was a mean trick...and in the end...there is a happily ever after for you and me...

Spa Etiquette

2011-02-16T11:35:00.001-08:00

Working at a spa for the past 5 years has taught me a lot about customer service and spa etiquette of course. Although we deal with AAAAAAAAlot of Ghetto-Fabulous people, you would think that there would be alot more educated, well-spoken people out there. And you would also think that those well-spoken, educated people would have more etiquette than the rest. but guess what??...NO!

Now there are many things i'd like to be able to say to people, but as any of you that may work in a customer service- oriented environment may know; we can only scream, curse, and state the obvious in our minds lol. So here is a list of Phone & In-Person Spa Etiquette Rules you can share with anyone you think may need it.

1. When you call an establishment please be sure to do so from a quiet area. We are not psychics we cannot guess what you are saying through the screaming child and loud television in the background. Help us HELP YOU by allowing us the ability to be able to listen and understand you clearly so that we may understand all of your requests and pertinent information correctly the first time.

2. DO NOT walk into someone's business and question their prices. YOU are not the boss, YOU do not know the cost of our overheard so do not question why we charge this price and FURTHERMORE DO NOT tell us that you paid $7 down the block to get a facial (that obviously did not help because your face still looks jacked and probably worse than when you first went in) because we do not care. If you like getting a facial for $7 down the block at Cuchi's -So-Called-Spa then do so. But please spare us the "yaa so expensive" bit we could care less.

3. DO NOT ask stupid-ass questions. You sell those products? Which ones ? the ones on the Retail Shelf with the prices on them?...NO we just like to use them to help us gather more dust.

4. When you call to schedule an appointment....GET TO THE POINT! We do not need to hear your whole life story. As much as we'd love to lend an ear our phones are constantly ringing and we would like to attend to all clients in a timely manner. Unfortunately we do not offer any Dr. Phil Facials....although i'm starting to think we should.

5. Stop asking " how much is a spa?" A spa costs anywhere from $250,000 to over a$1 mil. So unless you are looking to buy the establishment you are looking for a spa SERVICE.

6. It is great when and if you purchase a special promotion or sale item because you wanted to save some money while still enjoying a nice relaxing service. But please do not ruin that by trying to change what is being offered. If it says swedish massage do not argue with us because you want a deep tissue although the promotion clearly stated SWEDISH MASSAGE ONLY.

7. Is there an echo in the background or are your parents paraketes? "Sorry we do not have anything on that date is there another date that may work for you?" is not code for yes there is something available i just want you to ask me 30 more times because i enjoy repeating myself.

8. No your child cannot go with you into a spa service...that defeats the whole point of you relaxing! He/She is a child. By the same token no your 6 year old CANNOT get a facial or massage...what are they stressed about? how many video games and barbies they have?

9. As i'm sitting here writing this a client is playing a loud song on her cellphone. Why does she think myself or any other client sitting here waiting for a service wants to hear katy perry? Keep your conversations to yourself as well as your choice of music.

10. Do not threaten anyone because we are booked and cannot accomodate you because you have an emergency. We love business. We would not deny anyone an appointment if we had it. so just be understanding and next time be prepared and book ahead of time.

that is all for now lol. i'm pretty sure i'll be coming up with more.

2011-01-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

I started a blog 5 years ago...feels like an eternity...in those years there were happy times, sad times, and whole lotta growing up times. I'm grateful still to those that inspired me to share my writing (Nik, Serg, Dido). i thought maybe i should start a new blog being that my life will be going through some major changes, but i feel like this blog has carried me through very hard times so why not give it one more opportunity to cheer me up before we part ways.

i'm not a big believer of psychic's but i have been raised with an open mind to the spiritual/white magic world lol. a couple of months ago my friend took me to a psychic --as a cheer me up kind of thing. the one thing that struck out about everything she told me was the fact that she said i have too many open doors to my past and in order to move on i need to start closing some of those doors so that i can focus on the present and the future. i could not agree more. so in the spirit of changes...some doors need to be closed.

somewhere along the way i lost the passion, desire, and motivation i once had in ME. i'm happiest on the dance floor i let go of all the stress, i just dance...who cares if i look like a fool lol who cares if people think i'm wild. but that is when i'm honestly, truly happy. so now i must learn to be truly happy in other parts of my life. Because i deserve to now dedicate some time to ME. we'll see how it goes. but you guys will have to join me.

2010-09-19T10:45:00.001-07:00

i have no dreams...i have no fantasies...they have been slowly drained out of me...
i wanna run...far...far away...
but this anchor is too heavy for me to bear it alone...

2010-07-27T17:23:00.001-07:00

i think this world i live in is slowly draining me...
when did everyone elses' happiness become my priority
i cant work like this anymore
caring for you...all of you has made me a very angry person
in a customer service world...i've stopped caring for the most important customer...ME

i'm most definitely ready to give up this world and explore a different one...
as much as i love you...i just cant live for you anymore...

so hopefully this will jump-start my quest for another career where i will be passionate again...
but i still hope this is the little business that could...one last try..i suppose....

2010-06-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

i have never wanted to fail at anything...
but sometimes its not so much about failing as it is realizing
that some things you just cant conquer alone

2010-04-23T19:21:00.001-07:00

she will always be my soul sister
and she said he will always be my Edward
so there you go...lol

2010-04-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

Go ahead...
I dare you to not drown in shot of water...

glass box

2010-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

someone said to me the other day that they would never let their feelings get hurt again...
they would never let themselves care for someone or fall in love
i thought silly boy lol
no matter the heartbreaks...i've never been one to not give myself the opportunity to do it all over
so what if you get hurt...eventually with time you heal and move on and wat is life
if its not to live by experiences.
if you cant' accept that you might as well live in a glass box

i for one am filling very optimistic about life and where its taking me...love is not a main priority right now...if it comes back my way i' will gladly embrace it...but the kind of love I'm feeling right now is one to conquer the world...well my world at least :)

i know i have the potential to do all the things i want...i just have to hold on to my faith...it will happen!

2010-03-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a little nostalgic...the last few days in my sexy, fabulous studio :(
i cant belive 2 years ago i finally left the nest and thought i wouldnt make it..here i am
2 years later moving on to a new nest.
i have such great, amazing memories in this place i dont know how i'll adjust to not coming home to my little piece of heaven.
but with a new path come new, great memories...so i'm ready for a new chapter...and maybe
a new blog...we'll see
hasta luego

2010-03-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

when it seems you cant please those around you
maybe its time to focus on pleaseing yourself and then learn to please others
bc trying to do both has become too exhausting.

cut me some slack!

city girl...

2010-03-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

my life is about to make another turn...
moving in to the city for a bit, haven't been a "city girl" since 05
i gotta say i'm a little nervous...
like Carrie said NYC was her boo...well the Bronx has always been mine
something about it just makes me feel at home..
especially being so close to my parents..
everything is an experience so i'm ready for the change and i'll take on the challenge :)
plus its summer what better time to move'
we'll see what the city has in store for me ...hopefully all good things:)

2010-03-02T20:13:00.001-08:00

i like to let my spirit run free sometimes...
if you're not feeling free...
watch out

mentally drained

2010-02-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

i am...
the top can be a very lonely place
and the thing about complaints and winey employees is that little by little
they chip away at you
how can i alone handle the baggage of 11 people
my back is starting to hurt
if only my partner where here to lend a hand ::sigh::

i need a mental break soon..before i break...

self-love

2010-02-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

"learn to love yourself, before you can love someone else"

sometimes you get caught up in the way someone loves you and makes you feel that you forget you first have to figure out how you can make yourself happy and how you make you feel

drunk dialing

2010-02-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

"Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now" ---Lady Antebellum

havent we all been there lol

2010-02-02T21:32:00.001-08:00

"you're not at the age to be wasting time"
well what age is the age when you stop wasting time?
or when do people stop living and taking chances?
is it 21, 27, 50?
are we cartons of milk, that have to be out the shelves and used before time is up?
is there a race, a ticking clock...
i'm feeling the societal pressure to "conform"
when all i really want is to be 22 again?
is that too much to ask? lol

y mami dijo...

2010-02-02T11:43:00.001-08:00

and she said...live your life
take risks...dont use my life as an example...
back in the day i didnt have many choices..but you...you have the world at your fingertips
you're educated, hard-working, independent...
if things dont work out you can move on and start again

so why so scared my child...dont deny yourself the opportunity to "know"
because one day you'll wake up at 50 and wonder where did it all go..
but then again i know what you're going through... u feel yourself letting go and for a moment you follow the road
and in a blink of an eye your running backwards away from the unknown into the safety of yourself...where it is still unknown...but an unknown you've grown to "know"
just let yourself go--

taking it in mom taking it in..

sin--dormir

2010-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

i found a way to fight my insomnia...
sleep on the right side of the bed...
let ur memories sleep on the left...
that way there's no conflict
although i'm lying to my zzz's
my mind appreciates it...
my heart will eventually catch up to the deceitfulness of my sleeping habits...
but hopefully by then ur memories will have relocated

2010-01-30T14:18:00.001-08:00

puse las cartas sobre la mesa
lo que podia y no podia brindar
nunca ofreci nada que no pudiera dar

nos acomodamos en las pequenas esquinas de nuestros seres
sin pensar que un dia podian convertirse en haulitas...
quise dejarlo volar y al verlo volar me dio miedo
no volverlo a ver
sin pensar lo volvi a guardar...
y al guardarlo le hice un gran mal

2010-01-30T14:08:00.000-08:00

life...happens...

making adult decisions not so bad...

sticking to them...now that's a whole other story

2010-01-27T11:49:00.001-08:00

Dear John...great book..great love...if you have ever been in a long distance relationship, or in love with a person in the military you can definitely relate. Love that is difficult, the yearning for each others arms and company, the little time in between is never enough time to make up for the time you go without them.

in the end...i'm glad i experienced a love that great :)

2009-11-29T00:11:00.001-08:00

my heart...split... like a melon my insides spilled all over the counter...
the layers of my skin peeled away revealing my insecurities...

now i must burry them deeper...

now i must learn to delete ya'..

2009-11-11T13:20:00.001-08:00

i was compared to a maze
why am i not amazed...
there are roadblocks in unexpected corners of my heart

Hangover...

2009-11-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

Another interpretation of heartbreak...

U went out drinking last night and had too many jack n cokes, grey's n vodkas or ur preferred drink,
U woke up this morning with a really bad hangover
"God please if you help me get over this one, i'll never drink again!"
yet the next friday or saturday came around and you were pounding down those drinks and forgot all about God, all about the hangover, all about the feeling of wanting your bed to swallow you whole for the entire day

love, or lust is just the same...you love, you enjoy the pleasure and then it ends leaving you with....
a big hangover
the same rules apply: "God please help me get over this heartbreak, I'll never let anyone break my heart again!"
and you do for a moment not let anyone in, build up your walls realy high, and put barbwire at the top incase any exceptionally stubborn person tries to climb that wall

and then however long it takes, you meet someone new, charming, refreshing, hot as hell that u just want to spread him/her with some chocolate and eat him for breakfast, lunch and dinner. as much as you told yourself to remember the hangover, it just feels so GOOOOD you pound them down just like those drinks you had last week.

except unlike the alcohol-induced hangover you gave yourself last week...sleep wont cure this love/lust hangover you gave yourself this week.

its hard isnt it? to not let yourself get drunk again...

its not easy to get out but it sure is easy to fall in

Back to Patria...

2009-11-06T13:34:00.001-08:00

i'm goin back to the motherland on Friday...i thought i would not return for quiet some time but i guess she wanted me back. Goin back so exciting and yet so sad. everytime i go bak theres' someone i wont get to see or spend time with.

Mr. IO....

2009-10-07T09:35:00.001-07:00

"Survival of the Oldest..."

1. tell 'em what you want
2. tell 'em in detail what you want
3. tell 'em "i want what i want when i want it, can u handle that?"
4. dont question , dont analyze , dont expect you can change it...

this isnt kansas anymore...

La DS War ;) lol

2009-09-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

ever wake up in the mornings and not recognize yourselF...crazy!

and then there was....LOVE!

2009-08-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

its 3am...and my mind cant sleep..and there is one thought in my brain...what the hell is ....really...LoVe?

i have spoken to a 29 yr old and i have spoken to a 19 yr old...and i've come to no conclusion..bc in the end there is none.

when we are young we are naive, hopeful, we look to the future with a smile and believe everything will happen as they do in the fairy tales.

as we get older we realize...love is not what we believed when we were 19. the butterflies are almost non existent, hope is replaced with doubt, and the present becomes a courtroom in which we try every defendant until proven guilty.

at 19 my younging wonders if looking into the future is naive...at 23 he wonders if being non chalant about relationships makes him weird...at 27 i refuse to look at the future until i'm 100% sure i'm true to my feelings...at 29 he feels that love is not full of passion and butterflies and fireworks...but full of understanding and mutual respect and being yourself on a day to day basis

so in conclusion in my opinion, as we get older love becomes more logical...we use are brains more than our hearts, our hearts and butterflies wait in the witness room until our brain --the judge makes sense of what the defendant is really feeling...once the judge makes up his mind...the witness attests to what the defendant is feeling...but until then...sentences are denied....the heart is kept locked in a cell ..waiting to burst with life...

but never leave your head behide my young one...bc heart and logic make the best team...while heart alone...may wish the judge would of never granted parole on the defendants " pleadings"

3am..bottle of cavit..and a heart full of uncertainty, uneasiness, and a brain full of "feelings" ...ya' get me? me either...

Pura Vida...

2009-08-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

Pura Vida..Pura Vida ...Pura Vida...Costa Rica 2009! las fotos hablan por si solas..

book of life

2009-06-19T13:44:00.001-07:00

who am i to judge you? but i dont judge you i simply ::sigh:: because i know you...
actually i used to know you.
when did your heart become so sour? your mind become so foul?
you flip through the pages of your life novel as if the novel has a never-ending story.

did you not learn from our elders that every decision has its consequence and every consequence has a broken heart..that may possible never heal.
you take books out the library that you dont bother reading, you simply molest its cover without knowing its true meaning.
the books scream out for attention but you dont bother listenin'
yet every book has a lesson which gives our life a stronger meaning..
you fail to see the creases on the cover that with your behavior you've created...it wears and tears and fills with dust...screaming for a reading.

eventually it will become a part of the pile you've created in the corners of your dark soul, amongst the sadness you can't fill with meaningless readings, amongst the baggage you carry day to day without seeing that they have lost their meaning..
except the one you continue to hold which is to make you more sour and bitter.

one day you'll see that void in your heart and soul is not so simple to fill.
you'll have to take time to really read your soul and figure out its ailments and how to start its healing.

so i say to you...rethink your actions...because one day you'll flip one page too many and you'll have lost the chance to write a beautiful, meaningful story...

Rainy Day

2009-06-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

so it's been a while since ive been here...and indeed its been hectic since my last post. Between graduations, birthdays, mothers day, weddings and babyshowers it has been a quiet eventful month and a half. now we're in june with this "so called" summer and time continues to fly by. more birthdays, father's day, showers, baby arrivals etc.

through all the events and gatherings and partying my mind still takes a break here and there and stops and thinks about all the things happening. my bff is due in a few weeks and seeing all my girls together in a room made me realize something...we are definitely growing up lol...more like we are definitely grown ups. where and how did i think that time had stopped for us. i thought we'd be young girls, partying, and discussing what classes to take and wat outfits to wear forever. now its planning babyshowers and bachelorette parties and the 5year baby plan or the 5 year buy a house plan.

we go through the motions of work, day to day events, major events and forget to stop and breathe and remind ourselves that time is not stopping for us. if anything these days its goin way to fast for me to keep up with it. its great to live day to day and enjoy the madness or the simple days...but i m wondering am i ready for the 30s and for all the things i want to acomplish before (or during) those years get here. or is it something i should not worry about? i mean last time i checked i was just turning 24 on the verge of opening a business...now i'm 27 with a 3 year old business and it really feels like it happened in a "blink of an eye" . i'm more concerned with helping my dad realize he really needs to start thinking about living a more relaxed life and retirement...and forget that i too want to plan for a more stable income, housing, and eeeeeeeeeeeeventually retirement.

it really just hit me...its great to enjoy the birthdays, weddings, showers, nightly outings...but i need to also focus on my serious goals...bc the daily events are just events...not guarantees or ensurance that the rest of my life will be stable and exactly or more than what i dreamed it could be.

hora de ponerme las pilas!!

BIG SHOUT OUT!!! to in my opinion parents of a lifetime...to my papi and mami...for not 1 or 2 but 3 kids through college!! great job! lets hope we can accomplish the same in the future hehe.

until next time...hopefully a more sunnier, hotter summer day :)

2009-04-16T10:10:00.001-07:00

even on days as bright as today...its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel..
keep fighting heart...keep fighting strength...keep fighting that is all we can do...

Tell me where you get your body from...

2009-03-24T15:55:00.001-07:00

Body image..where does it come from? why is it so important? why do people around us judge us or criticize us by it? why has it become so important that it leads young girls to obsession and downfall...

i have always been a pretty athletic person, growing up i was a swimmer and have always loved lifting weights. its not so easy for me to get to the gym bc like most of us i'm lazy, i hate working out in the winter. i prefer to run in the park in the spring and summer and enjoy my surroundings. even so when i gain weight and my belly is hanging out my pants lol i'm pretty ok with it. there were times in my past when i was extremely thin and back then i was not always happy, it's weird bc usually its the opposite. but i grew in the dominican republic and even here in new york have always been surrounded by thick women. my mom has an amazing body small waist, huge butt...you know the body men go crazy for. i say that bc women always find a flaw..while some men just love the thickness of spanish women. so growing up i always admired the booty lol and growing up i always wanted to have a huge booty like my mom. but i dont and that is ok with me too. i have come to accept that we have different frames and as long as i am in the shape my mom is in when i'm 50 i'll be satisfied.

but growing up it wasnt always happy with everything, i'm bowlegged so people always found a way to make me feel bad, and i'm not talking about just kids. people would say oh you're so pretty or you have such nice eyes too bad you're bowlegged. so i was ashamed to wear shorts or skirts, funny right considering i had to wear a bathing suit for swimming. but i guess bc swimming was more about my skills and winning the competitions people werent so consumed with body image. when i was 13 or 14 my mom wanted to buy me a pair of capris, they were "in style" but i hated the thought of pants that would show my bowlegs. either way she made me wear them and made sure i understood i had nice legs and i shouldnt let anyone tell me otherwise. after that day i was ok with wearing capris and skirts that she bought. She always bought me the hottest outfits, in a way she was reinforcing my body image and making sure i understood that i could look nice in anything, what mattered was how i carried myself.

now i'm 26 and although my parents always make it a point to comment on anything i wear or remind me that i look nice, one thing has changed...now my mom does remind me here and there you have to go the gym..she'll look at my belly fat and say you hav to do some abs lol. so i look at her and say " i really dont care." where along the way did she become the person that would tell me when i need to go to the gym? why is that now although i still dress well and appropriately and carry myself with confidence she feels the need to grab my belly and tell me wat should or shouldnt be important to MY image.

i have a younger cousin that's 18 and has an AMAZING little body. she's short but has a little athletic body ever since she was a toddler lol. she has never played sports or gone to the gym and yet manages to look as if she does. she doesnt have a six pack but i'm sure if she did a few abs here and there she'd have a six pack in no time. now her mom has made it a point to remind her that she is "wide" and she has "gained weight" and that she needs to work out. i' of course am angered by all this. when did spanish women become so damn obsessed with being thin? yes the media fills our eyes with images of crackhead looking models and celebrities but that to me is not attractive. and that for the most part is not the image of a dominican or spanish woman. we have curves, butts, hips and we embrace that or we used to. so now she is constantly talking about losing weight and goin on diets, when in reality if she did start losing weight she'll probably start to look sickly.

how could my aunt not realize that body image and low self esteem and weight obsession is a huge problem for women, especially young girls that have yet to learn the things older women hav learned through experience. everytime she tells her.. she's fatt or watever she's helping that negative image my cousin has of herself. now everytime she looks at herself in the mirror she'll think i'm fat instead of i look amazing. i mean so much repetition really starts to make you believe something that in fact may not be true. more importantly parent have to understand they have such a strong influence in how we see ourselves and how much we blieve in ourselves. they shape our minds and our images from day 1. i kno alot of people that dont feel as confident or beautiful bc they're parents never said those nice things to them not one day of their lives...so how culd they believe it of themselves if those important people didnt make it a point to give them that positive reinforcemnt.

i've made it a point to remind her that she's great the way she is and if she wants to get in shape that's different, if she feels like she needs to be more active just to be healthier tha's ok too. i mean as a college student and someone that works you do need more energy to get thru your day and being more active definitely helps that. but it shouldnt be something where she is constantly worrying about diets and losing pounds. bc its important for her to see herself as a beautiful young woman, so that no man or woman can come into her life and put her down. i think body and self image has the power to break you down and build you up. and right now i guess its my job to build her up and remind her that people will always criticize you and tell you you're ugly, flat or too skinny, or you have a weird patch of skin or anything else retarded and irrelevant they may feel they have to say about you. but YOU have to look at yourself and be able to block all that negativity and say "I'm still beautiful no matter what anyone says and i am happy with what i have been blessed with".

so to all my friends..look at yourselves and appreciate the bodies and minds you have bc you are all beautiful. and if you truly arent happy with yourself then yes go ahead and make some revisions, but dont do it for the wrong reasons. do it bc you want to be healthier, happier, feel better, be more confident...not bc a man or woman told you, you arent what they think you should be.

time travel

2009-03-19T11:20:00.001-07:00

As you travel thru time I travel thru time..back and forth...back and forth
From the past to the present
From the present to the future and right back to the past
Except i dont time travel in a time capsule...time machine..
I travel in my mind machine
She travels to the places i miss and the times i cherish
She travels to the future...
the ideal future, the logical future,
the fairy tale future
But my time machine travels right back to the present
Because the future is only a result of my present action
influenced by my past lessons learned.
Maybe our mind machines are meant to travel thru time
until our minds find the perfect time to stand still in.

Middel child...to only child?

2009-03-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

i came into this world and grew up in this world with 2.5 brothers. i say 2.5 because i have an older and younger, and a half older brother from my dad's side. Although my 2 older brothers and i were sort of raised together for the earlier part of our childhood in DR, we sort of lost track of JC (.5 brother) once we moved to NY. Sometimes i forget we have another brother that still lives in DR and that i see every couple of years when i visit DR. there is something about it that is not the same of course. Maybe bc we dont interact everyday the ties tend to be not as close. Either way he's my brother and i love him as such and i'm glad to see him happy. last year we attended his wedding and it was really nice and my sister in law is probably the coolest sister in law i'll have, lets face it lol.

Growing up my older brother and i were really close, always hung out together, whereever he was there i was too. The funny thing is that when my younger brother came along they fought almost everyday, except when they were both ganging up on me. So you can say that i was close to both of them. now the younger as most younger sibblings are could be the biggest pain in the *ss, but when it came time to protecting and shielding him from the cruelties of the world we'd all come together like no other force.

As we got older i felt the bond became tighter bc we'd all hang out w each others friends. after you pass that teenage age when you dont want your sibblings around its all pretty cool. parties and bbqs and trips sharing the friendships we most valued. i've always been protective of my brother's in the sense that i really have to get to know the women in their lives before i can trust them w their hearts. on the other hand i think my bro's have assumed that i have never needed protection that i can handle all things on my own, which is 90% true. in my 20's i have always wanted my bro's around and some friends always commented on how they wish they had bonds like the ones i have w my bro's. but lately it doesnt feel that way.

i have a business w my older brother which we knew from the start would be a difficult task. working with family is NOT EASY! its been almost 3 years and i hav to say that as great as it is to have someone with his knowledge to work along side with...there are things that get lost along the way. i cant remember the last time i had a real converstion with my brother not work related. there are times i almost feel uncomfortable aroud him, as if he were a stranger. our communication has been minimized to emails and 2 min calls about the spa. ive never felt more alone in the business. sometimes i feel like bc i'm his sister he takes me for granted, like he knows i wont let the business fall apart bc of this, yet i wonder what he would miss more the business or me?

my bond with my younger bro has also diminished...he's stayed stuck in the teenage attitude phase. there isnt much that seems to make him happy and he usually has an attitude with everyone. sometimes you wonder how can someone use up so much energy on being mad or drama driven. his life revolves around his girl, which is cool i guess. but not when that is the sole reason of his happiness.

ive been thinking about this alot bc i never thought that with age your bonds would get distant, i felt that they would get stronger. but now i'm realizing it isnt so. as your brothers grow up and try to find their paths, and women come in their lives they kind of replace something within the family. i dont know i just feel like that part of their lives becomes way more important than the family life. i dont know if i'm being harsh but i ve heard from other sources that the distancing is inevitable. somehow the bonds fall apart...and ive started to feel more like an only child vs a middle child. my parents mean the world to me and lately ive learned to appreciate them more bc i see more their suffering, their worries. i have a lot of friends but friendships never feel the void of a brother or sister.

i find myself asking is it really inevitable for us to distance ourselves from each other or is just that we feel less and less like makin the effort, or is it really that as you grow up you grow further apart and creating your future family becomes more important that maintaining the one you grew up with?

i'd love to hear the feedback from those that have sibblings bc right now i'm really saddened at the thought that i may jus hav to get used to a superficial interaction with the few important men in my life. brotherless...bondless...would that really make me an only child? :/

Amores...

2009-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

i m not much inspired today but i wanted to say:

today is not just about couple's love
its about a couple of loves
my girls love
my boys love
my mami and papi love
my brotherly love
my past loves, present loves...and the many many more loves i have to give :) and cant wait to recieve...

love you all...have a wonderful friendship/love/heart/day or watever term u prefer.

and my flowers are to die for!!

ps. it seems my mom and i cant live together EVER! but its nice having her at work with me a few days out of the week, who would of thunk. random i know but days like today i love having her happy spirit filling this place to the brim :)

Little Jackter

2009-02-11T09:52:00.001-08:00

So as it turns out Jackie and Hector have found out they will be having a baby girl! yay!! i dont have any nieces or nephews or have hopes of having any anytime soon, so little Jackter will be the closest thing i have to a niece in the coming years. I'm still a little shocked that the girl that help me break out of my shell in highschool is pregnant with a little protege of our own hehe. i cant wait till she is born and becomes a part of our lives. the only thing is i wish they lived closer damn u guys trying to better ur lives by moving to rockland hehe. i know that they are going to be great parents, but i know that i will have a major role in her life and that is to DOMINICANIZE her as much as possible. so this is to my little Jackter:

You sure are a persistent little one :) See your mommy does these disappearance acts and she'll fall off the face of the earth bc yes she is a very busy woman and all. but the rest of us always wonder what she's up to bc of course her and your aunt nik live the furthest away. So sometimes i worry when i dont hear from her from time to time or get frustrated with her bc i wish she would call more etc, but we wont get into that now lol. But you just kept coming into my dreams to let me know u were here, even if your mom wasnt ready to tell me. You did that for a few weeks almost everynight, you def'ly wanted me to know that you were coming. i thank you for that. you even made yourself a home in my belly, in my dream that is, just to let me know your mommy was pregnant. i think you and i already share a bond :) so thank you...the minute i started having those dreams i knew something was up..the minute she emailed everyone i already knew bc of you. so i will be around to domicanize you and show you how to dance bachata, and eat queso frito with mangu, and say things like baina, and appreciate spanish as your first language :) so i look forward to your arrival and watching you grow up.

Congrats Jack and Hec!! start thinking of those names..maybe you can go the dominican route and name her juana iris or jackterina or heckie u know how we love to make up names hehe :)

this is for all of you

2009-02-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

on this cold friday nite you all deserve this:

"As I move through the layers
of other people's opinions and beliefs,
I see within myslef a magnificent being,
wise and beautiful.
I love what I see in me!"

keep ur heads up:) gnite all

"now or never"

2009-02-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

"It's my life It's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life "~BonJovi

i walked into work today and some of my employees were discussing...LiFe. Oddly enough they werent discussing they're lives now, but what they would want to be in their next life. One of the girls is about 2 years younger than myself and married, the other 4 years younger than i with child and practically married as well. So one would assume they're enjoying their current lives...or scratch that why not focus on thIS one, since this is the one you have for sure.

so i ask myself...Why is it that we fail to have courage to live our lives to the fullest in the present but are always eager to plan the next one?

what fears can't we conquer or what fears hold us back? i for one dont plan on my next life bc realistically there is no guarantee that we will be reincarnated...but then why is that i have yet to really live life to the fullest the way i live it in my mind and spirit. Maybe i'm too hard on myself? or maybe we all need to live like jim carrey in the YES Man...we must say yes to every opportunity that comes our way thereby forcing us to live a life full of ups and downs and crazy yet eventful days.

i do remember times when i felt like i was on a constant LIFE-high. i was 20 living in Madrid for a semester. making the decision to move to Spain had always been on my mind; without a doubt since hs i was goin even if i had to fight my parents for it lol. my roomie and i embarked on this wonderful experience and we traveled around spain for class and flew around europe for fun. there was nothing to stop us, it was a 6 month opportunity to do things we'd probably never do again as a student. talk to random people, try and speak other languages, laugh, play, become part of someone else's life and family for a change. it was a change that came at a perfect time in my life. although a part of me was drowning in sorrow, Spain brought me back to life.

after Spain, there was a part of me that remained adventurous and learned to just enjoy life in the moment without a care in the world even if the world was falling apart. after college, entered the work force, a year after that my life became crazy again. Afternoons and nights full of fun and laughter shared with new friends and music. never a dull day in our lives those days...HHC can attest to that. i was the "stuntman" and the city was our playground. i embarked on a long distance relationship that flew me around the eastern part of the country for some time and i lived every moment every trip with enthusiasm and without regret. why else or when else would i visit pensacola florida or charlston, south carolina ? is it not because i was living in the moment? yes it was. and then i joined my brother in the craziest venture yet; to open a business i knew NOTHING about. that proved to be tough, i lost my life to give life to this place.

so am i being hard on myself? have i lived my life to the fullest extent until now? or am i still being a coward and not taking enough chances?

What makes a life more exciting than another? how can we gauge if we are living to the fullest or we are just playing it safe? do we each have our own meter of badass vs prude, adventurous vs fearful, riskater vs cautious ?

who has a better fulfilled life, someone that chooses married life and kids at an early age or the person that remains singles and choooses to be alone or date and travel and do things out of the ordinary? but then that poses another question wat is ordinary, wat is right, wat is wrong... when it comes to living there is no right answer.

i definitely dont feel a fire burnin inside my soul these days. almost like my soul is slowly dying. tha's not a good feeling to have at 26. there is always the pressure from my mom, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids. but none of that interests me right now. my job yeah its great, its not just a job its a lifetime experience, but some days even that doesnt excite me. i live on my own in a great apt that's about the only thing that still shocks me these days...i did it. but i know there is more, alot more i hav to acomplish so why can i find it inside me to do the things i want. to live the life i want to live. to get up and fly somewhere sporadically. yes money always holds me back i hate it. its like a damn anchor that keeps me where i am, there's never enough of it, if there is there are priorities. some days i'd rather pack a bag and go...and jus keep goin till my soul tells me i think we've accomplished it...the fire is lit in your heart again.

i want to live a life that i'll look back and say damn there is nothing i am missing...i know there are many things that make up this life: love, family, success, happiness, achievement and so on. my list is endless. each of those things will light another fire in due time.

so in the end i guess there is no balance, there is no right. every person is different; some of us feel fulfilled with family, while others need to fly around the world to feel the same. how you live your life is up to you. fight the fears! fight the anxiety! do it all...even if its a little bit at a time. there is no better time than now. (i'll try to follow my own advice hehe) Blow that gauge, or thermometer out the water! sometimes we have to push towards the badass, risky, the adventurous and leave the other sides at home just for a day or an hour.

it's time we all start living the life we want to live. so for my staff, one wants to be a roadie in her next life..i mean she's married she's pretty much a roadie of love and commitment lol..but she can still go to those concerts and enjoy the moment. so my plan for the rest of 09 is to get rid of watever small debt i hav so that i can start doin the things i want w/out being held back by the financial ties. bc i dont want to wait tiill my next life..i want to live the one i have now and hopefully it will be a great one from now on.

i leave you all with a quote by lil wayne, which i think is great!

" if you need an example to live then you shouldnt have been born"

dont follow the lead...create your own path..in the end only you know where your gauge stands...dont plan on the next life, this life can be just as great as the next :)

hump day...

2009-02-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

my spirit is wandering
i'm holding on to it like a kite,
but it keeps flying higher and further out of reach

i dont know if she's bored with the routine
in search of passion and a life full of more activity
or maybe she's jus searching for her counterpart
something that's gone missing or maybe something she has yet to find.

i want to let her fly, fly where the wind takes her
fly where her soul takes her
where the tears flow like rivers but turn into vast oceans of opportunities
fly where the sun shines so bright it covers her at night

i hold on to my spirit like a kite
i dont want to be left behind
i want to enjoy all the things she desires and dreams
i want to share in her passion, in her struggle, in her search for love,
in her search to regain all that she feels she has lost

i want to let the wind carry me with my spirit where only my toes touch the ground,
let my spirit guide me through the world in search of greatness
i'll let my spirit fly, but i'll still hold on to it like a kite

it's a new day...

2009-01-20T22:04:00.000-08:00

Today of all days we shuld all feel uplifted and encouraged, ready to conquer the world.

Today I feel defeated...

I have high hopes for our new president, but I hope that as the excitement of the new changes fade, the feeling of togetherness and readiness to conquer these difficult times ahead remain. I hope we all remain patient as the task he has ahead is no easy one, as he said it may take more than a year or two or a term for that matter. But may the energy and hope and togetherness the country demonstrated today be the power to keep this change engine goin strong as long as it needs.

So as I get ready to lay my head to rest, I hope tomorrow is a new day for me too. I hope this feeling of defeat fades in the back of my head. I hope tomorrow I feel 6'2 and ready to conquer these feelings that are pullin me down. Gnite world! gnite defeat!

It's a new day...

ObaMaNation!

consideration???

2009-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

Consideration....Where the F*CK are you? i'm starting to think people have no DAMN CONSIDERATION for anyone but their DAMN-selves>>>why i'm at work on a Sunday with no damn break and no word from the slave master. F*CK this shit!

DISCLAIMER: written in anger yes! still...people have to stop being so selfish and think of those beLOW them.

Friend or Foe?!

2009-01-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

Do you ever sit and think about the people in your life and what they mean to you...or you to them?

I consider myself a pretty good friend(or at least ive heard my friends say lol but you must ask them)...i'm not the best at keeping in touch i must admit, but if you're my friend you're my friend u're in my thoughts, my prayers and when we're together our friendship remains the same. Growing up my father always reminded me of the same thing...not all the people in your life are your friends...some are just acquantances y punto. Well i always took his words to heart and through the years those words have made more and more sense. Yet as good as i am about "deciphering" people and what their true intentions are when they come into my life...sometimes my "fa-dar" (fake people radar) fails>>> me.

I have learned that you gain friends in every phase of your life: hs, college, work, other work, etc. Some of those people remain in your life and come in and out and tha's cool, others completely disappear. To me those that remain and come back randomly, when you least expect them, when you need them most, or just bc simply on that day of that year they missed you...those to me are true friends. You ever pick up the phone with a friend that you havent spoken to in months or years and it feels like you picked up right where you left off? i LOVE that feeling. Those are the people that truly have your interest at heart or just keep you in their minds in the back of their head with those other random friends, and forgetful things like learn to play guitar or go bungee jumping. we keep getting recycled through their mind, but they never dump us, bc there is a point when they will reach out for us. lol not to make it sound like friends are pieces of reclycled goods..but you know what i mean...never forgotten especially when those life changing events come around new job, laid off, fall in love, marriage, kids, stripclubs etc.

i must say that i have been blessed with great friends some from hs that went on to college and we build a closer tie and extended our network with other beautiful, amazing people, then post college at work and through the grapevine etc. Some of these friends hav been alot of work to maintain, with others it was love at first sight, and with others hate at first sight. but through it all these people have been an important part of my life whenever i'm sad, i'm mad, i'm thinking too much or cant' sleep, or need a laugh, need to get wasted, or share a love of shoes..or a love of food yum! the list is endless. i have a roomate for life, an eternal insomniac, a belle who sees beauty in our ugly days, a bff who thinks i smell good even when i dont shower, a partner in crime, a party crew, and so on and so forth..<<<

but then there are those people that enter your life to bring negativity and those that look down on you as if you're not worth a thought in their brain. Those that dont include you in their LIFE completely...are no friends at all, they're just people, "conocidos". Now, i do believe that some people come into your life for a reason...and that reason is to bring other people that will be true Friends. And if you have true friends its ok to have "people" or acquaintances, so long as you give them their place and dont for one second think you're more than just an acquantance to them too. So thank you "people" for stopping by on your temporary train and dropping off the passengers that truly matter. In the end, it sure feels F'n Great to know that you really dont need to be a number in someone's life when you can be a tru part of your Friends' WORLD and LIFE. i now have a greater appreciation for those that really matter...not those at some point i thought mattered. this is the end of my rambling sesison for today lol. gnite all...stay warm.

mY house..

2008-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

i dont if your subconscious has a way of lettin you know things that you clearly have no clue will happen or remind you of things your heart is trying to suppress. there's a house around my way on a dead end block. everytime i park my car on that block i hav to walk past this house...theres something about this house that reminds me of him.

i know it sounds weird, how can house remind you of someone, but it does. maybe its' bc it seems like a house that doesn't belong in new york or at least not in the bronx. it seems like it belongs in another city in another state...but something about that house makes me nostalgic and at the same time makes me feel comfort like i want to walk into that house and find a couch and curl up with a blanket. when i walk by it makes me think of how i can see myself living in that house...not now...but later...

so for now tha's my comfort house the one i hope to live in when i'm older...the one that gives me peace after a long, stressful day...its weird i know but ive been to many cities that are not my own but maybe eventually a bronx girl will end up living in a place other than the bronx or new york..

so if in the end i hope whereever the future takes me, my home makes me feel jus the way this one does..."in your house i long to be"

2008-10-23T21:29:00.001-07:00

i miss you in the deepest corners of my soul...i dont know that she will ever want to let you go...but my mind keeps tellin her maybe she might have to...can she ever live without the greatness of your soul?

el mar...

2008-04-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

i embarked on your journey...and i traveled through your sea.

your waves took me up and down.. it took me to places i 'd never been and showed me a side of the ocean i was so afraid did not exist.

i traveled your journey with a smile on my face and you showed me a sun brighter than anything i'd seen. sometimes storms hit but the sun always seemed to shine and the waters always seemed to calm. that constant cloud hovered over u and me and we'd hope to push it away but somehow it did not ceize.

i traveled your waters and hope to live in them forever...but as the storms got stronger the waves rocked my boat and took over me.

and so i chose to stay in my port and hoped that one day....your waters would come back and get me...

love on hold...

2007-12-18T14:02:00.000-08:00

not being able to call him has turned part of my world temporarily upside down, well lets just say that now i've narrowed it down to sunday and monday. next week will be a month since you've been gone. i still cant' believe its been that long..it feels like everyday has been draggin. my world is full of uncertainty...not knowing how you are, when you'll come back, when you'll write again, needless to say where u are. it's weird adapting to this kind of one sided communication. i write to you , knowing that you'll b reading my emails...but not receiving anything in return...hoping to get some news from you.

i still cant' fathom how military wives do this for longer periods of time. i think that maybe i'm not as strong as i thought i was...maybe those women were born with something that i dont have...that i cant picture living a life or years of this back and forth , and not being able to speak toyou for months at a time. its surreal...its like a break up without the break up...the heartache is there, the longing, the wanting to call but not being able to, the looking at the pics and wanting to destroy them at times just to not remember how much i want to hear your voice, waking up and hoping today will b the day i get word you're coming back sooner than i thought. or simply hoping tonight is the night i'll b able to fall asleep before 2 am. my days are okay , they're perfectly normal...but the nights i wish never came, bc w night fall comes millions thoughts of you...tossing and turning in bed wishing God would sprinkle some drowsiness on me so that i can finally sleep. finally get a good nights sleep like when u were around.

i hope this makes me a better person...i know its def'ly making you a more succesful person. only time will tell...

Out to sea....

2007-11-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

and the time i had wanted to avoid is finally here...i dont think it's hit me yet...but i know when it does it'll hit me like a wave, with a rush of emotions and uncertainty.
my navy boy its time to go, where they want to send you , who knows...when you'll be back...2 months hopefully so.
in the mean time i'll wait for you to come back in your " tin can" like my brother says lol. ill drown myself in work just to not think of not speaking to you for so long. i'll wrap myself in my arms and dream they're yours, strong, warm, as they pull me closer to your heart. the nights of falling asleep on the phone will be put on hold. i know that time flies by and this will be nothing at all. i hope that you'll remain sane, bc the the thought of no sun light still makes me crazy lol. i hope that you'll remain happy with wonderful memories we've shared, i hope that they make you work so much you'll have no time for sadness...i really hope that they'll take good care of you. and i hope that whatever the navy has you doin is important enough to keep you away from us.

and i wanted to say i'm sorry again...bc i' never say the words you 'd like me to say...bc i want to be strong for you , for us...but please know that i'll be thinking of you, and its goin to sux not being able to tell you my spa drama or my momma drama. i love you navy boy!

ps. i know the sea will bring you back whiter than ever...so i'll be here ready w the tanning lotion :) lol

2007-10-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

its 3 am on work nite...i should be asleep. i ve been loggin in and out for weeks...the desire to write is there...a million thoughts dying to come out..yet my fingers jus tap on the keys w/ no inspiration. i dont know what it is...there's no fire burning in me... i was commited to my thoughts but lately i think commitment is scaring me. is it that we reach a point in life when we know soon we'll hav to really grow up and stop acting like kids. is it that with adulthood i cant escape reality?

there's a struggle inside of me...

que lo que?!

2007-05-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a whiiiiile since i ve written anything...i feel like a stranger to this page...but here I am lookin for something i'm missing. Sometimes i forget how much emotion and just "stuff" i accumulate from time to time when i dont write and let it all out. I guess in the past couple of months the rollercoaster has continued...the biz, the "life", the me...

The biz is doin well...gettin better everytime month...puttin as much as i can into it and hoping i'm doin a good job with all this. My motivation is still a "bagamunda"..it comes and goes when it pleases, helps me when it wants and leaves me when its' bored. As usual people come and go...people complain and people praise...always on the look out for the next best candidate and sometimes disappointed with the reality of people.

In life..sometimes i forget i have something outside of work..something that needs to be fed with happiness and activities and friendships and food for the soul...I have to get myself out there again...hit the gym, hit the streets....I'm bout to turn the big 25. the number i wish was more like 5 lol...but it is times 3. Bueno...feelings still pending...

I cut my hair 2 weeks ago...really really short...it was weird. I wasnt so sure of what i was doin but i ve learned to lose fear in the scissors. I jus let my stylist do away with it...i was looking for a change i suppose...and i definitely got one!! As the hair kept falling to the floor i guess i jus didnt care ...its like finally i learned to let go (well..in one aspect of my life ). So all the damaged hair is gone and a new look which i love came w it. My mom hated it..in fact when i got home she went on and on about it (ALL NEGATIVE)..so i cried for like an hour to my bf. I guess i expected that she should at least say one nice thing..but no. Till this day she cant get herself to say something nice w/out something negative to follow. and then guess what?! she cut her hair 2!!! but tha's a whole other issue.

More and more i feel the need to leave the nest...i keep thinking man i'm old i need my own place, somewhere i can decorate to my own style , cook when i want or NOT. Leave my clothes where i want and let my doggy sleep in my bed every nite if i want lol. I guess the older i get the need to have a relationship with my parents increases as well. And the only way that' happen is me being on my own.

In the end I dont want to wake up one day and realize i let life pass me by bc i was too busy pondering about it and thinking wat my next move will be. I want to be crazy me ..always!

I dont want ot get caught up in life...I jus want to enjoy the breeze...

ps..c i finally got inspired :)

hasta la proxima...

2006-12-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

i'm at loss of words these days...or loss of actions?

Deseos de nina perdida...

2006-12-13T19:47:00.000-08:00

Because I still keep wishing and hoping and praying...that i'll become what i dreamed i'd become when i was young...

ayudame...

Gracias...

2006-11-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

So i must agree that maybe time is standing still as we move from each stage of our lives to the next. So as my life is crazily moving i want to take a moment and say "Thanks" . My mom said a very nice prayer yesterday before our big Thanksgiving Dinner...thanking God for allowing us to be together one more year with a great feast. So I'm thankful for My fathers hardwork , my mom's hardwork inkeeping a warm, beautiful home to come back to every night. We could always do without the nagging but she's a great woman. Thankful for my family that came over to share a wonderful evening full of laughter, for seeing my little cousins growing up so fast and hopefully turning into smart young men and women. For my boyfriend 's presence...finally a holiday not away from each other. Thankful for the job that keeps me on my toes...as much as it may annoy me and thankful for the real wonderful friends and the moments we continue to share and memories we continue to build.

Gracias...so its not about time standing still....its about me standing still long enough to appreciate the beauty of all the great things in my life...especially the laughter that rings throughout my home and life in general.

Gracias...

Lost city girl...

2006-11-13T12:46:00.000-08:00

Not long ago..my days were full of work and nights were full "life". I'm only 24 and lately i'm feelin like i'm 50. This new career has taken me a whole different way...and although i enjoy being part of something big, which with hard work will be something greater i cant help but miss the old days. The days when everything was turned into a hangout , bar hopping, lounging. When someones' farewell or birthday turned into a night of funny crazy events. Holiday parties at work mingling with people from all different backgrounds sharing one main thing..the love of creativity and the love of having a good time. I myself, the creator of weekly "Margaritavilles" turned into a night full of funny encounters, dancing competitions or kareoke. I felt like i had it all even though i didnt...and although the career was lacking in excitement..my coworkers and city life made up for it.

I ve always cosidered myself a city girl..love the uniquenss of the city and the people in it...the fact that you can make an ordinary event a crazy, with stories to retell time and time again, reminiscent of my long gone Madrid "marchas". My weeks were full of life...happy hour, dinners, lunches...then weekends with the boys and sometims the girls...couldnt complain...bc it seemed like for a year college life was extended into my real world life.

These days the most exciting events in my book are nights at home with a glass of wine and loads of laundry to do for the next morning. Surrounded by the same people...and days full of people complaining..the highlight of my day extremely happy customers leaving my place on cloud 9. I guess this is sort of my pity party...but i am entitled to it..i had gotten used to feeding my social spirit..hanging out nite after nite and meeting different people or jus simply hanging w those in the my same shoes.. Lately i feel like my social spirit is slowly dying, I cant help but miss what i used to have. These days its rare if i meet any interesting people my age...let alone have the opportunity to hang out with the old crew. I work hard..i jus want miss my old social life at times...most of all I miss the city :(

Mi hermanita...

2006-10-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Wow that girls hair is big!" were the thoughts that came to mind when i saw her first day of highschool...Come to find out we were in the same homeroom and locker partners...so every day for a whole year she dropped her books on my head..that was sign of great things to follow lol. I was innocent and naive ..she was funny as hell and "corrupt" but not in way that would make me get in trouble with my parents and in school jus in the sense that would teach me ...LIFE>>

10 years have come and gone...and that friendship has only grown..i rephrase..that sisterhood has only grown and gotten stronger and the memories can fill a book. the one person that truly knows me is her...yet lately i find sad thoughts lingering in the back of my mind.

I dont remember the day..i cant even remember if it was last month or 2 months ago when she called and said " i have great news!" my reaction was are you and the big H having babies already of course jokinly lol...after a couple of laughs she said she was moving...which of course is great..her and big H moving on to bigger and better things...but she's moving to ROCKLAND!!!!!! and yes i know Nik lives in Rockland..my point exactly!...i rarely see Nik and yes I rarely see Jackie...but like my mom said..."ese puente es demsiado largo"...a bridge is not enough, a country is not enough to break us apart, yet i'm saddened that shes' moving away :( bc even though i dont see her now...i know she's only a couple of blocks away...and jus knowing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :) she says she'll visit but i wonder how long that will last..sometimes its so hard to jus get her on the phone...will she really visit? i know it may sound silly...and yes im happy for them...but a big part of me cant let go..

i know people say we're growing up, we're moving apart, but that doesnt mean things will change. i know some day i may have to move as well..but i hate even thinking that i may have to live apart from my friends. i dont want to grow up ( lol) ..i don t want to be apart...i jus wish i could go bak to highschool and hold on to those years for a little while longer...days when we'd only dream about wat our lives would be in the future...but yes the future is already here...and its taking her a bridge away...my thoughts will jus hav to settle and accept and hope that she does visit ...

Octubre...

2006-10-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a cra--Z month...but this past week i think i worked more than i ve ever worked, my body is still feelin the pain...and sometimes i doubt myself..or think not enough of myself in this entrepeneur world..but hell i dont think i can put more of me into this than i'm puttin now or than i put this past week...like i said my body is still feelin' it. its funny bc speding 13 hours of my day in a place of relaxation means no relaxation for me...yet when people say i love what you ve done with this place and seein them happy w their experience...my soul relaxes jus a bit. Sometimes i feel like a soldier waiting to be told "at ease"...but when one person out of 100 i see a week asks how are "you" doing...it makes my world stop for a sec and think oh yeah...i cant forget "me". So i have to say to me..."Ladys i think u're doin ok for urself in this world...even if people dont acknowledge it right away...just remember all your hard work will pay off one day." Hopefully not to far away bc mami needs a new pair of shoes lol. So cheers to spa week bein a success....and man do i need a Spa Day!!

oh yes...and great seeing my lovely ladies...always bringin me bak to a place i love to be..and tiny bubble love how u deal w the craziness in my world muah!

my ATM

2006-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Some people love selfishly
As if loving were banking transactions instead of emotional interactions.
Instead of soul mergers, they engage in embezzlement
Estafando corazones, robando de la mano que le da de comer

Love...its not just about initial major deposits...its not a cd u put money into and leave it to gain interest. Because what's love if there's no nurturing, no sharing,

So ...I"m saying! Can we create a merger between your heart and mine, in which the profits will skyrocket like the stockmarket and prevent crashes avoiding "great depressions?"

a la mierda....

2006-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days...rather this week is one of those weeks when i want to fire all of my employees...send my "superiors" to hell and give up on every damn responsibility i hav at the moment.

More and more i realize people arent just "difficult" they're f*cking crazy...and they're f*cking Ungrateful. I have been working 70+ hours a week since we openend and in those 70+ hours a week, i have learned that i need so much more patience to deal what lies ahead of me. I come to work day to day trying to have a positive attitude yet hearing my employees bitch about stupid shit makes me want to just walk out...sometimes for good. hell i knew this would be difficult..and i dont think it's even gotten a bit difficult. I realize people have no consideration or no professionalism in this industry we call "beauty"...its more like UGLY...I'm not sayin i'm the best superior but i try to accomodate everyone the best i can...and i get fed up when people complain about a token of appreciaiton, as if its not enough. I mean hell everyone that has half a brain knows a new business deals with many barriers we have to overcome, one of them being the financial aspect. So damn if you 're getting appreciated for the hard work you do even if its not a coach bag...have the decency to appreciate and jus say thanks...and hey damn they do care and notice the work i do. i know i'm goin on and on about bs but i cant help but feel so disappointed in people in general. I have met people you think will turn out great , in the end...WRONG!! and then those that somehow get everything they want and still have the nerve to complain. Why???!!!
I'm upset bc of the lack of appreciation...and the lack of respect and responsibility. Maybe its jus working the way i do and at the end of the day ..sometimes feeling like i havent accomplished anything. its thinking the people you work with care at least half as much as you and realizing they problaby dont...and realzing that at the end of the day SHIT, i deserve a pat on the back...but i dont get shit...so i guess in the end i'm jus like everyone else..or am i? I mean i dont expect anything but a thanks..or hey u're doin a great job...and hey thanks for dealing w all the bs. i jus hope this week ends soon and with it the way i feel right now.

Palabra...

2006-09-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdD6op0l2jk

Sshhhh!

2006-09-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like i'm fallen...excitrment travels up and down in and out...my heart is smiling once again....but Ssshhhhh dont tell anyone ;)

para mi Becky...

2006-08-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

"As life moves all around you...the best thing to do sometimes is stand still."

I come to realize that at times its best to be like trees...they stand in place and are only shaken by a soft breeze or a strong wind. Sometimes i sit on my front steps and jus listen quietly to what mother nature has to say and as crazy as it sounds...it calms me. When my world is moving 190 mph and i cant seem to get my mind to stop and focus on one thing i jus sit and watch the trees on my block. They stand still bc yes their roots keep them there and yes they're not human they cant get up and leave...but it amazes me how still they can stand and a simple breeze will shake them back and forth and for that minute i feel like they're rocking is just for me...the unique sound the leaves make when they're hittin each other is like a unique language, a special secret shared just with me. A secret that just tells me to stop and enjoy that moment when my thoughts dont exist and i reach piece of mind and soul...for that moment im in a state of piece: no worries..no frustrations...not one thought.

So i ve decided that instead of driving myself crazy and lettin my mind get the best of me...I need to just stand still and just "BE" (gracias Sarjento). Enjoy life with all its ups and downs and back and forths. STop thinking so much about the future about the shoulda, woulda, couldas and just enjoy the now. Stand tall like a tree and let life take me where its supposed to... let the wind rock me back and forth..but never ever ever let it knock me down.

Dedicated to my Becky...bc u' my inspirational book ;)

las noches son mas oscuras..

2006-08-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

my mind wanders off back to that dark place i loved to be..
i dont know what's worse having him even if far or not having him at all..i see him in every person... feel him as if he were here..yet the darkness i missed and longed for every minute he was far..is now a darkness that saddens and brings me into a black hole of confusion...my heart and mind cant agree except on one thing...acceptance may make things easier... i know i m not supposed to but my heart needs to say it even if my mind knows better..I MISS YOU...

Can u look at the bigger picture?

2006-08-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

Is looking at the "bigger picture" necessarily the right thing to do ?
aNd if you do, what is the "bigger picture" doin for you now...in the present...or is that a picture we shouldnt worry about...bc the "bigger" one is.. more important?

siN ti

2006-08-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

indecisions, indecisions...at the end of the day i feel emTY without him...

Ya...era hora

2006-08-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute..but my mind needs a rest...these days i feel more like Nikki and her insomnia problems...than like my regular lost self. I dont know if its the routine thas' finally gettin to me or the uncertainties of taking a risk... living and standing by my choices..or the constant thought that no matter which way i put it...i just cant change some situations...its either i like the color red or like the color red..

The past 2 weeks have been full of restless nights...can't seem to reconcile with sleep and when i do i wake up abruptly throughout the nite as if some kind of spirits are tormenting me..or could it be jus the spirit of my decision laying with me beggin me to rethink things...or jus simply asking "are you sure this it? " either way somethings got to give...i go to bed late and wake up jus on time..but exhausted , i cant possibly have the energy to start a positive day feelin like i ran a marathon and was beatin in sleep.

so everyday those thoughts pop bak in my mind..wat am i doin? is it the right thing? or am i jus avoiding the reality? but i read somewhere that you're not living until you start takings risks and sometimes its best to have some balls than be a coward and live regreting wat i could of done and didnt.

maybe i wasnt blessed with enough patience and my heart has become more difficult of a place to find...maybe its just a place where i can tap in momentarily for a quick fix of pain, love and emotion and then as soon as it gives too much it goes into some sort of drought. i dont think any of this is making any sense anymore. i want to live the present but the present wont let me live it meanwhile. the future keeps nagging me and the past, its just sitting bak, observing and waiting for my next move. Its a major tug of war...in the end i jus hope i come out alive...

Perdida...

2006-04-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

It has been quiet a while since I sat down and put my thoughts somewhere other than my brain. Alot has happened since my last entry...for starters... I quit my job and ended my time at Bravo. With sadness and excitement at the same time for the new road I was about to embark on. I have to say I love and miss those crazy bravo kids...made every day more interesting. But like all good things...they come to an end...and I had to move on from my College part II in order to grow and prosper. So here I am week i dont know of another great venture.

My brother and I have set out to open a Salon and Spa in the Bronx. Bring something much needed, a little oasis for those overworded, stressed, mothers and fathers etc etc ...who just want a little peace in their life for jus an hour. My days and weeks have become blurs though...i lose track of my days , hours, I wake up early--out the door early and it seems like my days fly by and I get nothing or not enough accomplished. Construction is goin extremely fast...one day there was one wall now they're gettin ready to paint. I couldnt be more excited at the thought of running my own business, making important decisions everyday , feeling like i'm part of something bigger than me...it feels good...walking in that construction site with my binder full of millions of thoughts and TO DO LISTS...seeing the construciton guys a little shocked that I'm the owner..but hey I was born to lead and tell people wat to do, not take orders lol. But even as excited as I am....I'm stuck in a rut I cant seem to get out of...everyday I listen to my bro and how stressed him and the investors are and the million things i need to add to my To Do list and cant help but lose myself in all the papers, calls, vendors, decisions ..d.e.cisions. I'm not sure if its the instability rite now...its hard goin from 9-5, biweekly paycheck, certainty , insurance....to mon-mon work weeks, no paycheck, uncertainty, no security...i know it'll all pay off when i walk into my beautiful spa and start giving what i consider the best a part of me in my every days work. Maybe i'm being dramatic...but I dont know what else could be bothering me...the rest of my life is on hold...i havent seen my girls...i missed our monthly meetings and miss them like crazy...my happy hour crew...MIA...but at least spring is here and it reminds me i should be happy and smile jus to wake up to a beautiful sunny day.

ON another note...Matt 's been home for a while now....he's been chillen in NY for 2 weeks now...Im so grateful that he's so understanding, he doesnt mind driving around attending my million meetings so long as we 're in the same space. He' supports me like no other and its good to have that constant reminder from someone that cares for you that you're doin great and that you will be successful. Yet with all that I feel there's something missing...i know i havent given him enough of me as i have in our past weekend visits ...but maybe its' the crazyness in my world or just the million thoughts runnin through my mind that wont let me focus on one thing...I hope this rut i'm in will end soon...He's given me the best gift for my birthday a lil puppy which we have blessed with the name Canela ...like our spa. So i'm the proud mother of this spoiled 3 month old Lassah. I cant believe how crazy it is to have a pet...i feel like i just gave birth to my first child...sometimes i want to kill her though, when she pisses and shits on the floor..oh man. But she's beautiful and makes me smile everytime i see her. But indeed what a big responsibility.

But anyway...my work is waiting...and as for finding little lost me ...I dont know if i will around this time...everything seems to hectic ...too much...rite now...aaaaaaaaaahhh

2006-04-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is knowing that somewhere there is someone who only cares for you, someone who will pick you up when you fall, someone who only knows you, who will hold you when you cry and embrace you when you smile; happiness is when you know that person is just for YOU."

Thanks for seeing me for me and loving every single weirdness of mine. Most of all thanks for lettin me love you and for lettin me wear my heart on my sleeve without the fear of gettin hurt, or thinking if im showing too much , what's really deep inside of me. For the first time I dont have to think that playing hard to get is what love is really about, its really about letting go and being free with each other. I couldn't be more proud of you and your accomplishments...and lookin forward to the rest of this journey...Te adoro mi corazon.

my ATM

2006-03-17T08:10:00.000-08:00

Mi atmósfera...

2006-03-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

Mi atmósfera? Una pequeña fantasia, parte del mundo, del universo amplio y extenso
Mi atmósfera, compuesta por oxígeno, sol de dia, oscuridad de noche, frio... calor
Arboles que empiezan a brotar de vida en la primavera...
Agua que cae del cielo y se une a los lagos, rios, que se convierten en mares
Cuyas aguas rugen y se estrallan contra las paredes de la tierra

Mi atmósfera? Musica. Listas y listas de canciones que penetran mi alma,

Viajan por mis venas como sangre y hacen palpitar mi corazón
Mi atmósfera? Baile. Mi cuerpo se mueve al ritmo del tambor,

como palmeras que se mesen al compaz de la brisa del caribe

Y mi alma en conjunto absorbe líricas de Juan Luis Guerra como una esponja e inspira magia

Mi atmósfera? Una pequeña fantasia, parte del mundo , del universo amplio y extenso

Mi atmósfera? Tu presencia. Como el oxígeno que respiro y libra mi cuerpo de lo malo y lo benigno,

Oxígeno que viaja a traves de tus labios, dulces y refrescantes como sandía en una tarde calurosa de verano

Tus manos, viajan y exploran mi cuerpo como las olas del mar acarician las costas.

Tus ojos... emiten luz radiante como los rayos de sol que calientan la arena en la que caminamos.

Mi atmósfera? Una pequeña fantasia, parte del mundo, del universo amplio y extenso

Tu presencia, a traves de la distancia causa catástrofes en mi atmósfera; terremotos, aguaceros, huracanes

Mi atmósfera, anocheche y amanece con tu presencia

Mi atmósfera? Tú

Resentimiento o Perdón

2006-03-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how the quote goes, but its been said that you waste more energy being mad at someone than actually forgiving. I couldnt find this more true in my life today. Yesterday I saw a friend, that I had not seen in 2 years. Last time we spoke, when we decided to part ways it was not amicably. In fact there was a lot of resentment and negativity, harsh words were said and written. Yet today i can call this person my friend because of the power of forgiveness, as corny as it may sound.

Back when we met we were young, jus starting college, he was hurt by someone he loved. I was ready to conquer his heart, not knowing I would fall faster than I thought. Fell into a vicious cycle of 3.5 years in which pain and tears were more present at times than smiles and happiness. Never had I pictured the first time i fell in love being something that would hurt so much. After we parted ways I became bitter, for lack of a better word a bitch. I learned love hurt... alot. I learned that it didnt matter how many times I thought I had forgiven, I really hadnt bc i continued to hold on to those heartaches. Little by little I moved on. I realized i tried my best in that relationship and tha's wat mattered. I put my all into it, even if in the end I came out , with a broken heart and tears that would flow for days to come.

Litte by little we came into contact again, our online encoutners goin from angry and resentful, pointing fingers at who did what and why, till coming to an agreement to leave it alone bc it was all in the past, especially if we were both happy in our present lives. A couple of months ago, chatting and laughing about past memories, talking about our present life, accomplishments , love etc. The little boy I met back when I was 18, came forth and did what i thought would never happen. He apologized ...not simply saying sorry, But admitting everything he realized he had done wrong. It takes courage, it takes most of all alot MATURITY. And jus' like that we had CLOSURE.

So looking back at everything that happened, yes I can sit here and drive myself crazy thinking about How and Why he did the things he did, or worst of all kick myself in the ass time and time again for bein so naive. But would that bring me happiness, would that take away the tears, the anger, the sadness, the lost days...hours...minutes...seconds. Simply NO.

See...

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter-Scott

Yes i have reasons to be mad, but why waste all that time and energy on something negative. When instinctivly I jus want to smile and say "hey wats up ? how's everything? " When we hold on to negativity for too long, we cause our own downfall and create holes in our soul.

We both experienced love, happiness, sadness...but we both learned from each other and most of all we both GREW UP. Now we can look back on the good times, laugh about the silly memories. So seeing him after 2 years was pleasant...that big smile like when we met. No resenments...no anger...just sincere smiles and concern for each other's well-being,f amilies and present lives. What better way to bring closure to a negative past...then with smiles and a bucket of Hershey's chocolate. Thanks for that Tezzie ;0) I'll be eating chocolates for days to come..lol.

"Love is Love" ~JC

My Knight in Shining Armor...

2006-03-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

Someone said to me sarcastically and with negativity "and your knight in shining armor came and picked up the pieces" (but I aint mad at ya' )... You 're not wrong, if anything congrats on being so on point. Indeed he picked up the pieces ...all of me...whole me...not necessarily needing him, to know all of me again, but helping the pieces of me see the whole beauty of me.. So yes I admit....my knight in shining armor came to save me.

That's why waiting two months to see him again, is like a blink of an eye, once i see him. He makes it all worth while and fills me in a way I cant' express...

I sat on a bench at the airport, warm breeze blowing on my face, blowing my hair side to side

Watching the cars stop, pick up passengers and drive away

I tried to concentrate on my book, "El amor el los tiempos del colera"

But although the book is at a very interesting point, I couldnt seem to concentrate

See there was a struggle within me, although my surroundings were calm and peaceful,

Inside me there was chaos, rumbling, little explosions, otherwise known as 2 months of waiting, pent up anxiety and excitement

After 2 months of waiting, 20 more minutes in great weather was nothing

I got back into my book and without looking up I knew he had finally arrived..

I heard the distinct sound of his black Accord , the Audioslave playing inside his car.

I looked up and there he was, dressed in his Black Johny Cash Naval uniform with his white cap (cover) tipped low

Getting out of his car with a serious look on his face...streched out his arms and flashed me that smile,

Jus like that our bodies came together and i melted in his arms

From that moment on I felt like I was in a movie...I couldnt stop kissing him and biting him to make sure it was really happening...

So a weekend full of dining out, meeting his fellow class mates, crazy people with strong souther accents, enjoying a day at the beach...and simply enjoying each other....

We didnt need words...jus looks and smiles...and hugs....Layin next to each other enjoying each other's presence...

I couldnt have asked for a better weekend to spend with my knight in shining armor....that will make the next 3 weeks a breeze...

Bubu..u done got me :)

simplicidad...

2006-03-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

After a day of frustration and anger at not being able to express myself at work...
It's good to know that the simplest things in life make me happy..

Stepping out the train and realizing, I made it uptown half hour earlier than I usually do..
Walking down the block and realizing, it's 6 pm and the sun is still out,
Just that brings a smile to my face, because sunlight gives me life,
I live for spring and summer and those long afternoons that seem never ending, reminding me of childhood days when sundown at 8pm meant extending our playtime into infinity.
Seeing my baby Hunter parked, waiting for me to drive him home,
Hearing Audioslave's "Like a Stone" reminding me of that Ohio Adventure and end-of-summer fling turned into a 6 month "Nautical Adventure",
Walking into my house and hearing my moms warm voice say "y tu tan temprano en casa? "
If only everything in life was this simple...

Dominicana Soy...

2006-02-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

Monday, but not just any monday...I walk into work at 8:45 am and of course no one is here...walking down my row of cubes i hear a Juan Luis Guerra playin in somebodys computer in the next row..but there's no one here. The song tha's playing

"Buscando visa para un sueño

Buscando visa, la necesidad.

Buscando visa, que rabia me da,

golpe de poder buscando visa, que mas puedo hacer, buscando visa para no volver"

How appropriate..today is Dominican Independence Day, how nostalgic, although I ve lived in this country for 16 years now, my heart and soul remain back home, bc like they say home is where the heart is, and my heart has never left my beautiful patria. Then again I dont think we ever really leave our homes, there is always the hope that we will return someday, at least thas' what we hope. I remember the first day my brother and I came to this country winter of '89 or '90, it felt like a day like this, sooo cold. We hadnt seen our parents in who knows how long, but finally together in this "famous" Nueva Yol, the land of dreams. The song reminds me of my childhood, everyone i knew struggling to come to this country in hopes of a better life. They'd go through the struggle and the long process, and once they were gone you wouldnt see them again. Till this day some have yet to go back. Gettin a visa was a big deal, yet something not so easy to obtain. So difficult people did anything in order to come, whether traveling through Mexico and crossing the border or using fake names, etc. Wasnt any different for my brother and I. My parents wanted to reunite the family and most of all give us things they could not give us while living back home in DR. After all this is "el Sueño Americano". As kids we didnt understand this, I mean I was upset that we had to stay in a tiny apt all day when back home we could run free around our town with no fear of anythign happening, just making sure to be back at Mama's house to eat. Nueva yol was another world, layering up for the freezing weather, realizing life was not as laid back as it was back home. But you adapt, but when we finally could go back home bc we obtained legal status (lol, i have to laugh at the crazy things we went through) we never wanted to leave. its where we grew up , where we felt comfortable, where the played and held on to our childhood innocence for alittle longer.

Now 16 years later I still miss my country, and remember my childhood days playin in the campo like it was yesterday. And inside me , still lies some hope that I return. But will I ever return for good? doubt it...Will my parents ever return for good? maybe. But, like I said we hope, but reality is most of dont return bc we're still in the struggle. My parents still dont have enough to show for all their years here. Even though my father says that he'll return even if he has to live off of jus eating platanos. As for my brothers and I, we've accomplished most of our and my parents goals, went to good schools, off to college, 2 of us obtained our college degrees , and youngest still working on it. So did we achieve " el sueño americano" ? To an extent i guess we did, my father is a business owner, my brother is a successful young man at 25 has achieved greatness, and has so much more to conquer. Me , have a good job still working and what my heart really wants to do for the rest of my life. The little one letttin his creativity flow in school. So i guess we achieved some of it, but at wat cost? Leaving our beautiful country and families behind...when we made that decision took the leap, we didnt realize we were giving up a part of us...our patria. Dont get me wrong I am thankful to this country for giving us great opportunites, but a big piece of me still wishes my parents hadnt brought me here, and still wonder what my life would be like if i would of stayed home (shoulda, woulda, coulda..) Either way my heart will always remain in DR.. as for me goin back home, i try to make it once a year...someday who knows..i might go back for good...there's one thing i do know , if and when i have kids , i will send them back home so they can experience and learn a little bit of my beautiful childhood and the small campo i grew up with in the little ole house i still call home :)

So a mi compatriotas...Feliz Dominican INdependence Day...may you never forget where u came from, remember and always keep alive that hope of returning and the memories of that beautiful island full of life, flavor and great people ...

"No hay tierra tan hermosa como la mia,

bañada por los mares de blanca espuma

parece una gaviota de blancas plumas

Dormido en las orillas, del ancho mar.

Quisqueya la tierra de mis amores,de suave brisa,

de lindas floresdel fondo de los mares la perla

querida quisqueya divina

En mis cantares linda quisqueya,

yo te comparo con una estrella,la estrella solidaria que alumbra mi vidame brinda su luuuuuuuuuuuuuz."

una semana mas..

2006-02-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

One more week ....and i'm already feeling tingly..can't wait just know...we're in the same city :)

Press'n the RESET button...again

2006-02-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

RESET: 1.To set again: reset a broken bone. 2. To change the reading of: reset a clock. 3. device for resetting instruments or controls.

Now the question is can you reset Love, Relationships, Friendships? For love and relationships is resetting , taking a break, starting over? pretending nothing happened , forgiving , but not really forgettin? Or does "resettin" just become a viciuos cycle people engage in without realizing instead of resettin they should be pressing the STOP, ABORT, NEGATE buttons of those cycles. I sit here and wonder why my friends, loved ones, and even myself at times in the past refused to see what i was doin to myself or others. Indeed sometimes we're so involved in something we cant even see it if it smacked us right in the face. But I cant help to feel sad for those that are in that situation now. Listening to my friends say, "its like we press the reset button"...and just like that they're good again. But I dont think they see in the end, maybe resetting is not the best way to go. ..or is it?

I hear the constant complaining of someone that has lived many disappointments, sufrimientos, desencantos, after 25 years, still speakign about the things that bothered her before, still buggin her today. A woman who is smart, hardworking and whos inner beauty surpasses her outer beauty , not because outer beauty is not incredible, but because of the effect she has on people when she enters a room. She can turn "any frown upside down" as cliche as that sounds, she brings life and love into anything she does...shes' just that amazing. Becuase of her attitude one would think she's a teenager, or in her 20's, if it werent' for the years that show on the little wrinkles around her eyes, and the way she holds her back showing years of pain and hardwork. Even so she can move her hips to the sound of bachata, merengue instantly without thinking about it. So how can someone so amazing , not see that she is? In my eyes...shes' presses the RESET button way too many times and shes' run out of reset buttons, without realizing every single time she's been hurt she may have "forgiven," but she has not forgotten. Bc every new disappointment brings back the memory of a past one, and the pain is still the same.. See from the age of 18, shes' been goin through the same ole. Being put down because of the color of her skin, because of how much of an extrovert she is, because in another person's eyes she's not worthy of being treated like a queen, because they are too selfish to see , having someone like her in their life is the biggest gift anyone could have. Yet she fights everyday to continue being the genuine, beautiful person she is, even though when you look in those big brown eyes you see her spirit is slowly dying, and yet there is a glimmer of hope . So why reset ? when she still has the chance to find someone that would appreciate her for everything she is and has to offer, because the one thing that she values most and has to show for all her struggles and starting over is being proud about the 3 children she's raised, making it through college, graduates and strugglin to become great people themselves. So is that enuff...I guess so . For her it is and for many other people out there it is... So i sit there everytime she needs to vent about the same things over and over, after 25 years she hasnt realized things are not goin to change unless she changes them...As sad as it is to hear someone older not see how great they are, its worse to see that older woman reflected in the eyes of a younger one who has her whole life ahead of her....only if they stopped and maybe didnt press reset on that relationship or on that love...and tried to find out who they are , what they have to offer, and truly see...their worth

I"m no expert, hell i ve learned the real hard way...but I have learned that I will try to never let anyone take me for granted and try not to press that reset button again, because sometimes you have to be selfish and put you first, second and third. Sometimes Love is not enough, most of the times ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and if that person didnt show you the first , second and third time around that true love does not hurt and is not accompanied by disloyalty, lies, maltratos, etc etc...then Instead of reset...u press stop and move on until you find a smile along the way...

I rambled on but i had to get this off my mind...even if it makes no sense...i know in my mind it sounded rite lol...back to work.........

Inspiración...

2006-02-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

::deep breath::...So here I am, embarkin on a new adventure... "bloggin". I have to say I never thought I'd do this , but a few wonderful people, have become my inspiration. Daily i sit here at work, on my down time and read the entries of my friends..my sunshine Nik, HottieSerg and others, admiring the amazing things they write and today ...I was inspired by Nik and Serg to create my own. As I like to call it "Poetry Lesson #1 w HottieSerg". Today was jus one of those days i had a person on my mind and thoughts flowing from my heart...so here it is, I"m not a writer except for the thoughts i jot down on any piece of paper i find, if i'm inspired..most of the time u'll see a piece of my world and the daily or not so daily thoughts that run through my mind. Enjoy... :)

"I don’t remember exactly when I fell into the darkness of your eyes
Like falling through a black hole in the universe; getting sucked in and surrounded by everything that’s you: heart, soul, and presence.
Finding radiance in darkness.
The thing is I don’t mind falling through this darkness, knowing that in it,
your soul searches for mine and encloses it in warm hugs, sweet kisses, and looks…
Looks that make me fall into you and right back into the unknown places of your soul and heart…
Among all this darkness and the unfamiliar corners of your universe, I follow the spec of light called hope…as I embark on another adventure through this powerful and mysterious phenomena…otherwise known as LOVE
Although my lips cant utter the words just yet…my heart is skipping to its beat…
And I’ll allow myself to keep falling into the darkness of your eyes…time and time again…"

(Inspired by the Nautical Adventure i ve been on since the fall ;) ...miss'n u)