Dominicana Soy...

Monday, but not just any monday...I walk into work at 8:45 am and of course no one is here...walking down my row of cubes i hear a Juan Luis Guerra playin in somebodys computer in the next row..but there's no one here. The song tha's playing

"Buscando visa para un sueño

Buscando visa, la necesidad.

Buscando visa, que rabia me da,

golpe de poder buscando visa, que mas puedo hacer, buscando visa para no volver"

How appropriate..today is Dominican Independence Day, how nostalgic, although I ve lived in this country for 16 years now, my heart and soul remain back home, bc like they say home is where the heart is, and my heart has never left my beautiful patria. Then again I dont think we ever really leave our homes, there is always the hope that we will return someday, at least thas' what we hope. I remember the first day my brother and I came to this country winter of '89 or '90, it felt like a day like this, sooo cold. We hadnt seen our parents in who knows how long, but finally together in this "famous" Nueva Yol, the land of dreams. The song reminds me of my childhood, everyone i knew struggling to come to this country in hopes of a better life. They'd go through the struggle and the long process, and once they were gone you wouldnt see them again. Till this day some have yet to go back. Gettin a visa was a big deal, yet something not so easy to obtain. So difficult people did anything in order to come, whether traveling through Mexico and crossing the border or using fake names, etc. Wasnt any different for my brother and I. My parents wanted to reunite the family and most of all give us things they could not give us while living back home in DR. After all this is "el Sueño Americano". As kids we didnt understand this, I mean I was upset that we had to stay in a tiny apt all day when back home we could run free around our town with no fear of anythign happening, just making sure to be back at Mama's house to eat. Nueva yol was another world, layering up for the freezing weather, realizing life was not as laid back as it was back home. But you adapt, but when we finally could go back home bc we obtained legal status (lol, i have to laugh at the crazy things we went through) we never wanted to leave. its where we grew up , where we felt comfortable, where the played and held on to our childhood innocence for alittle longer.

Now 16 years later I still miss my country, and remember my childhood days playin in the campo like it was yesterday. And inside me , still lies some hope that I return. But will I ever return for good? doubt it...Will my parents ever return for good? maybe. But, like I said we hope, but reality is most of dont return bc we're still in the struggle. My parents still dont have enough to show for all their years here. Even though my father says that he'll return even if he has to live off of jus eating platanos. As for my brothers and I, we've accomplished most of our and my parents goals, went to good schools, off to college, 2 of us obtained our college degrees , and youngest still working on it. So did we achieve " el sueño americano" ? To an extent i guess we did, my father is a business owner, my brother is a successful young man at 25 has achieved greatness, and has so much more to conquer. Me , have a good job still working and what my heart really wants to do for the rest of my life. The little one letttin his creativity flow in school. So i guess we achieved some of it, but at wat cost? Leaving our beautiful country and families behind...when we made that decision took the leap, we didnt realize we were giving up a part of us...our patria. Dont get me wrong I am thankful to this country for giving us great opportunites, but a big piece of me still wishes my parents hadnt brought me here, and still wonder what my life would be like if i would of stayed home (shoulda, woulda, coulda..) Either way my heart will always remain in DR.. as for me goin back home, i try to make it once a year...someday who knows..i might go back for good...there's one thing i do know , if and when i have kids , i will send them back home so they can experience and learn a little bit of my beautiful childhood and the small campo i grew up with in the little ole house i still call home :)

So a mi compatriotas...Feliz Dominican INdependence Day...may you never forget where u came from, remember and always keep alive that hope of returning and the memories of that beautiful island full of life, flavor and great people ...

"No hay tierra tan hermosa como la mia,

bañada por los mares de blanca espuma

parece una gaviota de blancas plumas

Dormido en las orillas, del ancho mar.

Quisqueya la tierra de mis amores,de suave brisa,

de lindas floresdel fondo de los mares la perla

querida quisqueya divina

En mis cantares linda quisqueya,

yo te comparo con una estrella,la estrella solidaria que alumbra mi vidame brinda su luuuuuuuuuuuuuz."

una semana mas..

One more week ....and i'm already feeling tingly..can't wait just know...we're in the same city :)

Press'n the RESET button...again

RESET: 1.To set again: reset a broken bone. 2. To change the reading of: reset a clock. 3. device for resetting instruments or controls.

Now the question is can you reset Love, Relationships, Friendships? For love and relationships is resetting , taking a break, starting over? pretending nothing happened , forgiving , but not really forgettin? Or does "resettin" just become a viciuos cycle people engage in without realizing instead of resettin they should be pressing the STOP, ABORT, NEGATE buttons of those cycles. I sit here and wonder why my friends, loved ones, and even myself at times in the past refused to see what i was doin to myself or others. Indeed sometimes we're so involved in something we cant even see it if it smacked us right in the face. But I cant help to feel sad for those that are in that situation now. Listening to my friends say, "its like we press the reset button"...and just like that they're good again. But I dont think they see in the end, maybe resetting is not the best way to go. ..or is it?

I hear the constant complaining of someone that has lived many disappointments, sufrimientos, desencantos, after 25 years, still speakign about the things that bothered her before, still buggin her today. A woman who is smart, hardworking and whos inner beauty surpasses her outer beauty , not because outer beauty is not incredible, but because of the effect she has on people when she enters a room. She can turn "any frown upside down" as cliche as that sounds, she brings life and love into anything she does...shes' just that amazing. Becuase of her attitude one would think she's a teenager, or in her 20's, if it werent' for the years that show on the little wrinkles around her eyes, and the way she holds her back showing years of pain and hardwork. Even so she can move her hips to the sound of bachata, merengue instantly without thinking about it. So how can someone so amazing , not see that she is? In my eyes...shes' presses the RESET button way too many times and shes' run out of reset buttons, without realizing every single time she's been hurt she may have "forgiven," but she has not forgotten. Bc every new disappointment brings back the memory of a past one, and the pain is still the same.. See from the age of 18, shes' been goin through the same ole. Being put down because of the color of her skin, because of how much of an extrovert she is, because in another person's eyes she's not worthy of being treated like a queen, because they are too selfish to see , having someone like her in their life is the biggest gift anyone could have. Yet she fights everyday to continue being the genuine, beautiful person she is, even though when you look in those big brown eyes you see her spirit is slowly dying, and yet there is a glimmer of hope . So why reset ? when she still has the chance to find someone that would appreciate her for everything she is and has to offer, because the one thing that she values most and has to show for all her struggles and starting over is being proud about the 3 children she's raised, making it through college, graduates and strugglin to become great people themselves. So is that enuff...I guess so . For her it is and for many other people out there it is... So i sit there everytime she needs to vent about the same things over and over, after 25 years she hasnt realized things are not goin to change unless she changes them...As sad as it is to hear someone older not see how great they are, its worse to see that older woman reflected in the eyes of a younger one who has her whole life ahead of her....only if they stopped and maybe didnt press reset on that relationship or on that love...and tried to find out who they are , what they have to offer, and truly see...their worth

I"m no expert, hell i ve learned the real hard way...but I have learned that I will try to never let anyone take me for granted and try not to press that reset button again, because sometimes you have to be selfish and put you first, second and third. Sometimes Love is not enough, most of the times ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and if that person didnt show you the first , second and third time around that true love does not hurt and is not accompanied by disloyalty, lies, maltratos, etc etc...then Instead of reset...u press stop and move on until you find a smile along the way...

I rambled on but i had to get this off my mind...even if it makes no sense...i know in my mind it sounded rite lol...back to work.........

Inspiración...

::deep breath::...So here I am, embarkin on a new adventure... "bloggin". I have to say I never thought I'd do this , but a few wonderful people, have become my inspiration. Daily i sit here at work, on my down time and read the entries of my friends..my sunshine Nik, HottieSerg and others, admiring the amazing things they write and today ...I was inspired by Nik and Serg to create my own. As I like to call it "Poetry Lesson #1 w HottieSerg". Today was jus one of those days i had a person on my mind and thoughts flowing from my heart...so here it is, I"m not a writer except for the thoughts i jot down on any piece of paper i find, if i'm inspired..most of the time u'll see a piece of my world and the daily or not so daily thoughts that run through my mind. Enjoy... :)


"I don’t remember exactly when I fell into the darkness of your eyes
Like falling through a black hole in the universe; getting sucked in and surrounded by everything that’s you: heart, soul, and presence.
Finding radiance in darkness.
The thing is I don’t mind falling through this darkness, knowing that in it,
your soul searches for mine and encloses it in warm hugs, sweet kisses, and looks…
Looks that make me fall into you and right back into the unknown places of your soul and heart…
Among all this darkness and the unfamiliar corners of your universe, I follow the spec of light called hope…as I embark on another adventure through this powerful and mysterious phenomena…otherwise known as LOVE
Although my lips cant utter the words just yet…my heart is skipping to its beat…
And I’ll allow myself to keep falling into the darkness of your eyes…time and time again…"

(Inspired by the Nautical Adventure i ve been on since the fall ;) ...miss'n u)