para mi Becky...

"As life moves all around you...the best thing to do sometimes is stand still."

I come to realize that at times its best to be like trees...they stand in place and are only shaken by a soft breeze or a strong wind. Sometimes i sit on my front steps and jus listen quietly to what mother nature has to say and as crazy as it sounds...it calms me. When my world is moving 190 mph and i cant seem to get my mind to stop and focus on one thing i jus sit and watch the trees on my block. They stand still bc yes their roots keep them there and yes they're not human they cant get up and leave...but it amazes me how still they can stand and a simple breeze will shake them back and forth and for that minute i feel like they're rocking is just for me...the unique sound the leaves make when they're hittin each other is like a unique language, a special secret shared just with me. A secret that just tells me to stop and enjoy that moment when my thoughts dont exist and i reach piece of mind and soul...for that moment im in a state of piece: no worries..no frustrations...not one thought.

So i ve decided that instead of driving myself crazy and lettin my mind get the best of me...I need to just stand still and just "BE" (gracias Sarjento). Enjoy life with all its ups and downs and back and forths. STop thinking so much about the future about the shoulda, woulda, couldas and just enjoy the now. Stand tall like a tree and let life take me where its supposed to... let the wind rock me back and forth..but never ever ever let it knock me down.

Dedicated to my Becky...bc u' my inspirational book ;)

las noches son mas oscuras..

my mind wanders off back to that dark place i loved to be..
i dont know what's worse having him even if far or not having him at all..i see him in every person... feel him as if he were here..yet the darkness i missed and longed for every minute he was far..is now a darkness that saddens and brings me into a black hole of confusion...my heart and mind cant agree except on one thing...acceptance may make things easier... i know i m not supposed to but my heart needs to say it even if my mind knows better..I MISS YOU...

Can u look at the bigger picture?

Is looking at the "bigger picture" necessarily the right thing to do ?
aNd if you do, what is the "bigger picture" doin for you now...in the present...or is that a picture we shouldnt worry about...bc the "bigger" one is.. more important?

siN ti

indecisions, indecisions...at the end of the day i feel emTY without him...

Ya...era hora

It's been a minute..but my mind needs a rest...these days i feel more like Nikki and her insomnia problems...than like my regular lost self. I dont know if its the routine thas' finally gettin to me or the uncertainties of taking a risk... living and standing by my choices..or the constant thought that no matter which way i put it...i just cant change some situations...its either i like the color red or like the color red..

The past 2 weeks have been full of restless nights...can't seem to reconcile with sleep and when i do i wake up abruptly throughout the nite as if some kind of spirits are tormenting me..or could it be jus the spirit of my decision laying with me beggin me to rethink things...or jus simply asking "are you sure this it? " either way somethings got to give...i go to bed late and wake up jus on time..but exhausted , i cant possibly have the energy to start a positive day feelin like i ran a marathon and was beatin in sleep.

so everyday those thoughts pop bak in my mind..wat am i doin? is it the right thing? or am i jus avoiding the reality? but i read somewhere that you're not living until you start takings risks and sometimes its best to have some balls than be a coward and live regreting wat i could of done and didnt.

maybe i wasnt blessed with enough patience and my heart has become more difficult of a place to find...maybe its just a place where i can tap in momentarily for a quick fix of pain, love and emotion and then as soon as it gives too much it goes into some sort of drought. i dont think any of this is making any sense anymore. i want to live the present but the present wont let me live it meanwhile. the future keeps nagging me and the past, its just sitting bak, observing and waiting for my next move. Its a major tug of war...in the end i jus hope i come out alive...