"now or never"

"It's my life It's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life "~BonJovi

i walked into work today and some of my employees were discussing...LiFe. Oddly enough they werent discussing they're lives now, but what they would want to be in their next life. One of the girls is about 2 years younger than myself and married, the other 4 years younger than i with child and practically married as well. So one would assume they're enjoying their current lives...or scratch that why not focus on thIS one, since this is the one you have for sure.

so i ask myself...Why is it that we fail to have courage to live our lives to the fullest in the present but are always eager to plan the next one?

what fears can't we conquer or what fears hold us back? i for one dont plan on my next life bc realistically there is no guarantee that we will be reincarnated...but then why is that i have yet to really live life to the fullest the way i live it in my mind and spirit. Maybe i'm too hard on myself? or maybe we all need to live like jim carrey in the YES Man...we must say yes to every opportunity that comes our way thereby forcing us to live a life full of ups and downs and crazy yet eventful days.

i do remember times when i felt like i was on a constant LIFE-high. i was 20 living in Madrid for a semester. making the decision to move to Spain had always been on my mind; without a doubt since hs i was goin even if i had to fight my parents for it lol. my roomie and i embarked on this wonderful experience and we traveled around spain for class and flew around europe for fun. there was nothing to stop us, it was a 6 month opportunity to do things we'd probably never do again as a student. talk to random people, try and speak other languages, laugh, play, become part of someone else's life and family for a change. it was a change that came at a perfect time in my life. although a part of me was drowning in sorrow, Spain brought me back to life.

after Spain, there was a part of me that remained adventurous and learned to just enjoy life in the moment without a care in the world even if the world was falling apart. after college, entered the work force, a year after that my life became crazy again. Afternoons and nights full of fun and laughter shared with new friends and music. never a dull day in our lives those days...HHC can attest to that. i was the "stuntman" and the city was our playground. i embarked on a long distance relationship that flew me around the eastern part of the country for some time and i lived every moment every trip with enthusiasm and without regret. why else or when else would i visit pensacola florida or charlston, south carolina ? is it not because i was living in the moment? yes it was. and then i joined my brother in the craziest venture yet; to open a business i knew NOTHING about. that proved to be tough, i lost my life to give life to this place.

so am i being hard on myself? have i lived my life to the fullest extent until now? or am i still being a coward and not taking enough chances?

What makes a life more exciting than another? how can we gauge if we are living to the fullest or we are just playing it safe? do we each have our own meter of badass vs prude, adventurous vs fearful, riskater vs cautious ?

who has a better fulfilled life, someone that chooses married life and kids at an early age or the person that remains singles and choooses to be alone or date and travel and do things out of the ordinary? but then that poses another question wat is ordinary, wat is right, wat is wrong... when it comes to living there is no right answer.

i definitely dont feel a fire burnin inside my soul these days. almost like my soul is slowly dying. tha's not a good feeling to have at 26. there is always the pressure from my mom, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids. but none of that interests me right now. my job yeah its great, its not just a job its a lifetime experience, but some days even that doesnt excite me. i live on my own in a great apt that's about the only thing that still shocks me these days...i did it. but i know there is more, alot more i hav to acomplish so why can i find it inside me to do the things i want. to live the life i want to live. to get up and fly somewhere sporadically. yes money always holds me back i hate it. its like a damn anchor that keeps me where i am, there's never enough of it, if there is there are priorities. some days i'd rather pack a bag and go...and jus keep goin till my soul tells me i think we've accomplished it...the fire is lit in your heart again.

i want to live a life that i'll look back and say damn there is nothing i am missing...i know there are many things that make up this life: love, family, success, happiness, achievement and so on. my list is endless. each of those things will light another fire in due time.

so in the end i guess there is no balance, there is no right. every person is different; some of us feel fulfilled with family, while others need to fly around the world to feel the same. how you live your life is up to you. fight the fears! fight the anxiety! do it all...even if its a little bit at a time. there is no better time than now. (i'll try to follow my own advice hehe) Blow that gauge, or thermometer out the water! sometimes we have to push towards the badass, risky, the adventurous and leave the other sides at home just for a day or an hour.

it's time we all start living the life we want to live. so for my staff, one wants to be a roadie in her next life..i mean she's married she's pretty much a roadie of love and commitment lol..but she can still go to those concerts and enjoy the moment. so my plan for the rest of 09 is to get rid of watever small debt i hav so that i can start doin the things i want w/out being held back by the financial ties. bc i dont want to wait tiill my next life..i want to live the one i have now and hopefully it will be a great one from now on.

i leave you all with a quote by lil wayne, which i think is great!

" if you need an example to live then you shouldnt have been born"


dont follow the lead...create your own path..in the end only you know where your gauge stands...dont plan on the next life, this life can be just as great as the next :)